Wisked Away

Okay, maybe that's a bit dramatic, but this sure feels dramatic! It's really not something you can prepare yourself for; that moment when a team of people come and take your baby back to an operating room. You don't know, you can't see, you can't help, you can't do much of anything but write some silly words on a blog to try and forget and make yourself feel better. You might see your precious baby with a breathing tube, and you might not. He might come back with a colostomy bag and need further surgeries, and he might not. He might have an incision and a more invasive operation, and he might not. He might have three tiny little holes (3 mm) and a completely laproscopic operation, and he might not.

In all this uncertainty I am finding comfort in prayer, Sam (what a guy!), writing, pondering, and feeling all of those prayers and thoughts from so many people all over the world. It means so much, there aren't words. A mere thank you seems pointless, but it's all I've got at the moment. So, thank you; thank you so very much.

Just after they took him to surgery this morning, I was praying the most fervent prayer I have ever uttered. Something occured to me that I, for some reason, have never thought of before.

The most fervent prayer ever offered, from the most worthy recipient ever to walk the earth, was not answered, or at least not answered in the way we might expect. When the Savior, Jesus Christ, was in Gethsemane he asked our Father in Heaven to let the cup pass from him, to take away this portion of His journey. His humble request wasn't granted. Some might argue that a loving God would not do that sort of thing. I feel very differently than that. I think that is absolutely what the most loving Father would do. God knows us better than we know ourselves, only He knows what we can truly handle or not. We might think we do, but we don't. Ask anyone that has been through something you can't imagine, they will say something like, "You just do what you have to do." or "We'll get though it, we always do." You can't know what you are capable of unless the Lord gives you the opportunity to find out, and sometimes it's more difficult than anything you could have ever imagined The simple fact is that we are here to learn and grow. Learning and growing is made possible by a loving Heavenly Father who understands that the greater good is always worth going for, even when we don't understand it quite completely.

I recalled the line from a Garth Brooks song, "some of God's greatest gifts, are unanswered prayers." I always liked that song, but was never quite sure about it's meaning. I came to a greater understanding of many things this moring in that sacred moment of pondering and meditation. Now more than I ever I 'get it' I really 'get it'. God gives us what we need, if we are willing to submit and be obedient. He will also give us what we want, if that's all we are willing to go for. I live in a balance of both worlds most of the time. I can honestly say that what feels best is to be in that place where I can ask for what I want and yet be completely submissive to the Lord's will. At some point I will make a post of all the unaswered prayers we have had through this experience of bringing Malachi into this world. For now I will just say that the answers we have been given have been exactly perfect, and yet nothing like what we expected.

God was willing to allow his precious son, Jesus Christ, to suffer so that we might be alive in and through Him. I am so grateful that He knows the greater good. I am grateful that the greater good always benefits all who are willing to see what He sees, or if not, at least to trust and go along for the ride until greater understanding can be reached. I am greatful for that unanswered prayer for it is the reason I am here, it's the reason we are all here.

This is quite a ride we are on, and we aren't sure how it will end, or even when. BUT we have never felt closer to God, or more grateful for His perfect plan of hapiness. We have peace and joy knowing and trusting that all is for our greater good and only He knows how to get it out of us. Here's to the best in each of us and our quest to find it. And here's to our little Malachi and all the angels surrounding him right now. We feel them so closely it's a bit unreal.

Thanks again for all your thoughts and prayers, truly and deeply, thank you.