"Not My Will, But Thine"

Many have commented on my strength through this experience of Malachi beginning his mission for God on this earth. As you can imagine I have a lot of time on my hands for pondering and meditating and this comment is one I have pondered on a lot. I can say that I don't feel strong. I feel submissive. What's the difference? I have noticed that when I feel strong, I try to take over. I want to know everything and fix everything, plan everything, and have absolutes. I feel fear over what I can't know and anxiety over those things I think I know but their ability to change at any given moment, every bump in the road, every time something different happens than what I expect because of all my strength in figuring it out. Strength has caused me fear, pain, and heartache through this.

I look to my Savior, Jesus Christ and his example of strength. In the ultimate test of His life He was able to say (paraphrased) Father remove this cup from me, never the less, not my will, but thine.

I am far from the being that He was. But I have found great comfort, peace, and hope, in those moments I am able to completely submit to my Father's will. It ebbs and flows but I am finding the path to being rather than knowing comfortable and easier to find. In all my efforts I have found that the one that makes the best difference is submission.

Faith precedes the miracle. Faith and fear can not reside together. Faith is my path to submission and it feels really good.

I know God lives. I know Jesus Christ is my Savior, and redeemer. I feel Him comfort me, walk with me, and literally carry me through. I know the Holy Ghost is hear to help guide me to the best things for my spiritual growth. I am so grateful for Malachi's huge spirit packed into this little (okay big) body. I am thankful for his presence in our life, for all it is teaching me, and for the opportunity to play a small role in his journey here.

Many have commented on what a great name we gave our baby and have asked how we came up with it. When we tell them we have chosen bible names for all our boys and strong family names for our girls they are intrigued and usually want to know more. I thought I would share how we came up with Malachi.

I was certain that this baby was going to be a girl; certainty is a funny thing, so I wasn't really focused on a boy name. I knew I liked Caleb, for the significance of his righteousness among so much wickedness on the Israelites journey and quest to be worthy to enter the promised land, and for the way it just seemed to fit with our other boy names. Sam brought up Malachi one day and I liked it but wasn't gung ho about it or anything. One day I heard him telling someone else that he never thought of that name before but he mentors a boy with that name as part of a Coast Guard outreach program and the name struck him in a significant way. So we went to the hospital with a girls name and Caleb or Malachi for a boy. After the c-section Malachi needed to go the NICU for some extra help with his lungs so I couldn't see him right away. People kept asking me his name and my reply would be, "I don't know I need to see him first." When I was finally able to hold him I started chatting with him about his journey here among other things, and I noticed that every time I went to speak to him or ask him a question, I would call him Malachi without even thinking about it. This happened for almost 1/2 an hour before I realized what was going on and when I took that moment to notice, it was done. His name is Malachi for reasons we are now very aware, but could never have known.

The Chaplain from Sam's work came by to visit us yesterday. What a wonderful visit it was. He left us with a blessing and the Hebrew meaning for Malachi's name. It actually has two meanings; Malachi: angel, messenger. How appropriate. We sure love you our little angel messenger; keep teaching us and we will do our best to listen with all our hearts.

As I watch my sweet baby in complete submission to God's will for him, I am in awe. I recognize now, more fully than ever before, the truth in those words that title this post. Thanks little buddy for letting us be a part or your life.