Quarantined

Yes, you read that right. The state has decided that the NICU is to be quarantined. For how long you ask. Who knows. We have no answers and don't know if we'll ever get any. Malachi is stuck right where he is, no matter how well he eats or poops, and the only one allowed to see him is Sam. Somehow in my 36 years of life I have misplaced my proof of immunization from the measles, you know that lovely MMR shot. Well I know I got it, but again, somehow I have not put any priority whatsoever on having that little card with me that says I got it. You know, back when I was what, 2 or some incredibly responsible age such as that.

So long to those lovely naps Sam was able to get due to the two lovely ladies taking shifts during the day and evening so he could get some sleep and eat a little something in order to be with Malachi all other hours. It's parents only, no exceptions, no matter what; and that's only if you have that lovely proof of immunizations. So long to me being able to see my baby for a few hours here and there while Sam takes the other children for a ride or treat somewhere. Not that we actually got to that stage yet, but it was right around the corner, as in tomorrow around the corner.

Innocent old me, here I am gearing up for getting to see my little guy again after a few days at home with the others and whamo! Let's also not forget that we are nearing the point where he can actually start nursing instead of drinking closely monitored amounts from a bottle. I was looking forward to being able to bond with my baby in that way. I guess it's really not about what I want here at all.

I suppose now I just need to hold onto the hope that when I finally do get to be his mother, in more ways than just being a vessel for his birth, that he will remember me and know me and that we will be able to bond. That hope is feeling very slippery at the moment. At least I can take comfort in Sam being able to be there. Cheers to the military and their need to document all things forever and always.

Who'd a thunk I'd ever see the day when an immunization record from many moons ago would be the most important thing to have. Maybe I'll bronze that too, if I ever get ahold of it that is.

This is not my favorite roller coaster ride. For all the ups and downs we ought to at least be having some fun, like at Disney land or something. Nope, not us, we seem to be able to create amazing rides all on our own, without even really blinking.

I just want my baby to come home. That's all.

I just really want to be awakened at night by the sweet cries of my beautiful boy; not the annoying tones of my 'time to pump' alarm. I just want to have the most important thing I do in a day be making sure my children are fed, dry, safe, warm, have had fun, been creative, and that we have all oohed and ahhed over our newest miracle of life. I just want to have my biggest worry be how to get dinner on the table with 5 children, one of which is a crying baby. I just really want to have to say 'sorry I haven't showered yet honey' when my husband walks in the door after a days work. I just really want. Oh how I wish.

And that's all about what I want, and nothing to do with what is. Right now what is, is really bugging me. I'll get over it - I always do, but for right now I'd really like an alternate reality to come shooting out of nowhere to rescue me, just for a minute.

This too shall pass. All things are for my good. Not my will, but thine. Faith. Faith. Faith. and not fear. Deep breath. And now I shall go blast my recording of "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, have a good solid cry and get on with life as it is and not as I wish it were.