Miserably Miserable and Heart Wrenching

The children and I arrived to a very sad Malachi being cleaned up from violently throwing up. Just as they were about to put a new hospital gown on him he started again. Scenes flashed through my mind of suction, oxygen masks, and limp lifeless little Malachi. He recovered okay, only to spend the next hour and a half heaving violently and throwing up nasty brown gunk. He finally fell asleep on my chest and stayed that way for nearly 2 hours. It was heavenly to be able to be there with him in that moment.

The nasty brown gunk is blood in his stomach which seems alarming but is to be expected with all that his body has been through. Wether it's the tummy being upset because of being npo since Tuesday at noon, or because of major surgery to his gut, or because of all the drugs going through his system, or his body trying desperately to get rid of the anesthesia, no one knows. It's a mystery that causes alarm and heart wrenching moments but Dr. Aiken is confident that it's all status quo as far as all that he's been through.

These are the moments that I sometimes wish to wish away. And then I realize. His body is doing exactly what it needs to do. His body was built by God to do exactly what is needed to stay safe. Sometimes staying safe means that the body will not function anymore and the spirit will be released to return to the truest safety of all. Sometimes staying safe means getting rid of nasty brown gunk. Sometimes staying safe means taking comfort in the simplest of things while the most horrible of things ravage the body while others reap the benefits of watching such brave souls go through so much with grace and integrity of spirit. What I need to do is patiently sooth and comfort him as best I can and learn from his experience, rather than fight against it. I need to believe in my little angel because at his tender young age he has shown more strength of spirit than I have in my little finger.

And now for the most exciting news of all ... As he was laying on my chest sleeping a fountain of poop flowed freely, creating the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! Poop, who knew how exciting and truly miraculous it could be. Who knew, who ever even thought! Much sooner than expected and much greater volume than expected. If Dr. Aiken and P.A. Terry could have done cartwheels and shouted through the halls I am sure they would have. Joyus strains is how I would describe the comments of all involved. Best of all it was dark green which means that bile has made it's way from the beginning to the end of his digestive tract and that is music to everyones ears.

He still can't eat and that just causes misery but we are on our way to a full recovery. Baby steps are sometimes extremely difficult to take. I imagine it's something like if you were running a 50 mile marathon and just as you rounded the corner with the finish line in view someone says to you, "STOP, you must only move 1 inch per minute until you reach the finish line." You still want to run. You can SEE the finish line. You have been running FOREVER and everything in you wants to run and finish, to be done. But you can't. The higher goal is what you seek. The higher goal is to finish right and good and true. No one ever feels good about a race won by cheating; be it steroids, short cuts, bending or breaking the rules. However long you reign in the victory seat, you always know and that takes the joy right out of it.

Whatever race we face the soul wants to finish good and right and true. Our minds can reason and justify and come up with acceptable shortcuts, but our souls always know. Our souls always know.

So, I am in it for the long haul as fast or slow as it may go. I am ready for miracles and have seen so many already that I can't help but know that all is well. All is well, and I am living it.